As many of you know, my husband has recently started the position Senior Pastor. We uprooted and left the place where we brought my two youngest children home from the hospital. We left the people in our old church--the ones who may as well have been grandparents, aunts, and uncles to my children with how much they spoiled my kids. But we left filled with hope for this new season.
However, I haven't settled down yet. I feel anxious. We have been here almost two months and I still find myself dreading each new day. I have continuously prayed for contentment, and I have adopted a practice of "fake it til you make it" but you can only fake a smile for so long--eventually the mask wears off. Now, don't get me wrong. I love our new church. The people are incredible and I have already become friends with several of the women in our church--that is not the issue. I simply feel like I am in the wrong place.
Have you ever felt like that? Like even though all the circumstances are right, you just feel out of place? I love our new home. I love our new church. I love this town. But, no matter how hard I try, it doesn't feel like home. I simply feel displaced.
In the last week, this feeling of displacement has been so strong that I have literally lost sleep. I have had one full night of sleep since Sunday. I slept maybe an hour-and-a-half Sunday night. Monday night I didn't sleep at all until 7am (and then I slept until about 9am). Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all--and I was awake until 11:30pm on Wednesday. I ended up waking up at 7am today. So I did get 8 hours last night. But you get the issue.
I have started dreading each new day because there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have no idea why I feel this way or how long this feeling will last. I don't have any point to look forward to and say "well, I know that this is going to help me feel like this is the right place." Instead, I simply feel displaced.
I can honestly say, I have never felt this way. I mean, there have been elements in my life that I knew were not quite a good fit, but I have never felt so completely outside of "the right place" before. It's just difficult.
Anyways, sorry for the rant. Just had to get my thoughts out.
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